


King Bill

by FBLayla11



Category: Southern Vampire Mysteries - Charlaine Harris, True Blood
Genre: F/M, Raunchy humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 13:12:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FBLayla11/pseuds/FBLayla11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you are a fan of Bill, I would highly recommend that you stop reading. If you are offended by sexual humor and innuendo, then I highly recommend that you stop reading. <br/>I wrote this silly little one shot after watching the first two episodes of True Blood. I really really hate that AB made Bill the King of Louisiana. I think it’s absolutely ridiculous.</p>
            </blockquote>





	King Bill

“You know Sookie, you might want to slow down on those Gin and Tonics.” Pam said. After dealing with the witches and all the drama with my brother, I just wanted a night to let loose and shoot the shit with my friends. Unfortunately, most of my friends are incredibly screwed up, so I decided to come to Fangtasia and hang out with Eric and Pam.

Okay so maybe I had one too many, but I was still functioning. Did I fail to mention that when I get drunk, I tend to run my mouth?

“So Sookie, what brings you to Fangtasia tonight? Here to see Eric?” She asked snidely. I just shrugged my shoulders. Maybe I was here to see Eric, afterall he didn’t remember the time he spent with me at my house, so it wasn’t all that awkward. Mostly I just wanted to sit and drink.

“No I just came to let loose and relax a little. It’s hard to relax when the King of “LOOOSIANA” lives next door.” I said mocking Bill’s ridiculous accent.

“Ah yes, of course, our fearless leader…” Pam said sarcastically. I chuckled. Pam and I actually had quite a bit in common, we both hated book clubs, queer chick lit and Bill Compton.

“Of course, to King Bill” I said raising my glass in mock cheers.” whose membership to NAMBLA was revoked after taking Tuvan throat singing a little too far. “ I toasted.

I had never seen Pam laugh before, and I must say she was a riot.

“You are definitely my favorite breather!” Pam said in between her chuckles as she wiped the bloody tears that had formed in her eyes at laughing so hard.

“To King Bill” I continued my mocking, “whose dick size is dwarfed by the wooden bullets his pathetic snipers use.”

Pam howled with laughter. “Oh let me try one this is too much fun!”

“To King Bill” she said raising her bottle of True Blood in mock toast, “who had to summon the necromancing witches to revive his lifeless dick.” Pam said. I nearly spewed my sip of gin and tonic across the table at her. I was laughing so hard my stomach muscles started to hurt.

“To King Bill whom I know for a fact has a severe case of cock breath from going down on Nan Flanigan” I said. Pam and I were laughing hysterically and we must have been loud, because I saw Eric peek his head out of his office to see what was going on.

“What’s so funny ladies?” Eric said smoothly as he sat in the booth next to Pam and across from me.

“Oh Sookie and I were just jesting our fearless leader.” Pam said still chuckling.

“Ah I see.” Eric said as he flicked his finger at the idiot Ginger, silently telling her to bring me another drink and a Trublood for himself.

“Here is my impersonation of Sookie losing her virginity to Bill” Pam started…Oh Geez Louise. “Sookeh, I am going to insert my semi-erect penis into your vaginal walls. I am then going to thrust one maybe two times, then I will ejaculate inside of your vagina. Is that agreeable to you?” Pam said in a very lame fake Louisiana accent. She actually sounded a lot like Bill. Of course that caused both Eric and I to howl out in laughter.

“That was pretty good, but you missed the part where Bill grunts like a sweat hog.” I admitted, and it was completely true.

“Pam, can I ask you a question?” I said in all seriousness.

“Shoot.” She replied.

“If a vampire gets herpes before he is turned, would he still have the bumps on his dick?” I was serious. Bill had them, and I was almost a hundred percent sure they were herpes.

Both Pam and Eric laughed out hysterically knowing who I was implying had the dick bumps.

“Oh does our fearless leader have a case of cauliflower cock?” Pam said laughing sidesplittingly.

“That makes sense because I heard that King Bill is now banging his great great great great granddaughter Portia.” Eric said. And he wasn’t lying, Bill was screwing his relative. Sick fuck.

“You know Bill actually likes to have sex through the pee hole in his Boxer briefs? And I swear that his Southern Accent is fake, one time while we were having sex he actually said “Oy” in a British accent.” All of that was true. I may be drunk, but I’m no liar.  

“I heard Bill tried to turn a Taiwanese she-male during one of his visits, but Nan found out and flew into a jealous rage.” Pam said

“Yeah, she should be his only she-male.” I said.

“If he cut off his dick, do you think it would grow back bigger?” I asked.

“No, but maybe it will grow back sans the herpes.” Eric replied.

“So Sookie, how does my maker compare to the flaccid King Bill” Pam said, and in my drunken stupor I became mortified and wanted to run out of Fangtasia. I hadn’t yet told Eric that we had slept together. He would laugh if he knew that Bill had actually walked in on us at one point.

“What are you talking about Pam?” Eric seethed. Pam knew that I hadn’t told him yet, but I guess this was her way of outing me.

Eric looked between both Pam and I, knowing that we were keeping secrets.

“Sookie?” Eric said questioningly. If looks could kill… I said nothing.

“Pamela, as your maker I command …” I knew what he was doing, so before he could finish his command, I just blurted it out.

“We had sex…Lots of it!” I said a little louder than I had wanted to.

“You and I?” Eric said leering down my body, no doubt undressing me with his eyes.

“Yes. You and I. We had sex in the woods, on my couch, on my bed, in the shower, you name it. Bill even walked in on us one time. That was…gratifying. “ And it was. I had walked in on Bill and his fangbanging security prostitute , and when he walked in on Eric and I, the look on his face was priceless.

“How gratifying was it?” Eric said suggestively while waggling his eyebrows. I needed more cocktails for this conversation to happen.

“Am I comparing you to Bill? If so, then I would have to say that King Bill should seriously look into vampire Viagra.  Eric, you and I… we were explosive, passionate, primal. It was the best sex of my life.” I admitted in a drunken haze. I would completely regret my words tomorrow, I already knew it.

“I don’t like that you use the past tense.” Eric said quietly. Truth is, I didn’t either. I would give anything to have my Eric back.

“hmph, I think it’s time for me to go.” I said, grabbing my purse clumsily, but as soon as I tried to get up, the ground all of a sudden started moving.

“Allow me to take you home.” Eric said, grabbing my arm gently leading me out to his corvette. Damn ostentatious Viking...who I had given my heart to despite my gran’s warning.


End file.
